Leads to Success in Dating

---

---

I never liked the idea of playing hard to get. To me, the concept seems manipulative and false. Yet, the prevailing wisdom of our elders has always been: this is the only strategy effective in winning the hearts of the ones we desire!

As I navigated the joys and sorrows of my own personal life and observed the experiences of my clients and friends, I discovered that there is another explanation that might help us to understand why this strategy has proven so effective for so many.

Let’s think about what happens when a person plays hard to get. We can use Yenny and Rubin as an example. Rubin was given Yenny’s number by a mutual friend. He called her and a date was set. The evening went well: conversation flowed easily and both felt an immediate rapport. Yenny was eager to hear from Rubin but was advised not to call him. It was up to him to initiate the next date. The next date went famously, but again, Yenny waited for him to set the plans. When he did not call the very next day, she debated whether to call him, but held herself back.

So what is going on between the two? Yenny showed enthusiasm to be with Rubin, but she made sure that she kept a bit of a reserve. She did not initiate the phone calling (or emailing) nor was she the one to suggest getting together. She was not always available when he asked her out (especially when the request was at the last minute.) At the end of the day, she was friendly, but in no way did she convey to Rubin that she was overly focused on the relationship.

So, what does this accomplish, not only for Yenny, but for Rubin, as well? To answer that question effectively, we need to remind ourselves about basic human dynamics. All of us struggle with balancing our need to be independent and our need to be with others. For many people, there is a tremendous amout of discomfort about letting down one’s guard and letting another person into their space. They need to proceed at their own pace until they feel comfortable. The person who plays “hard to get” unwittingly is allowing the other person the room to go at his own pace, thereby taking charge of his comfort level, and feeling better in control of his conflicting emotions.

Sometimes, a person feels crowded and anxious when a date begins calling and emailing. The relationship is proceeding at a pace that feels uncomfortable. The solution for handling the discomfort is to back off, or flee. When given the chance to call the shots, he can take each step when he is ready. This gives him the room to stay in the relationship even if he is feeling a bit ill at ease.

Now, some of you will protest that it’s not fair!!! Why should the other person have all the control? Well, of course you are right that it is not fair that one person gets to make all the moves. However, as they say, life is not always fair. Sometimes we need to be smart enough to figure out how to make things happen in our lives. If we can figure out what we need to do from our end to ensure the growth and well-being of our relationships, then I don’t consider it game-playing. Rather, I consider it having the savvy to understand the emotional make-up of the other person, and knowing what is needed for the comfort level of both parties!

---

The Mythical Slim Zone

---

---

I just drove past a gym that was advertising group-exercise classes like this:

‘Small classes, lots of fun, no mirrors.’

No mirrors?

Why on earth is that a selling point?

Sure, mirrors aren’t necessary… but why would their absence be seen as part of sensible marketing strategy? Something to be advertised?

Maybe for the same reason that people don’t want to know their weight or their body-fat percentage when I assess them.

“Don’t tell me, don’t tell me” people say to me as they reluctantly stand on the scales with their eyes shut. “But you weigh what you weigh right?” “Yeah but I don’t wanna know.” “Why not?” “I’ll get depressed.”

So I tell them their weight and they get angry at me. Too funny. Nasty Craig.

“Don’t get grumpy at me… I didn’t do that to your body.”

When it comes to reality, we’re experts at avoiding it. I’ve written a post on ‘head-in-the-sand-itis’ before but it seems that we may be heading into an epidemic. A pandemic even.

Maybe we’re there already.

It amuses me that a business can send out this message: “Exercise with us and you won’t have to look at your fat selves in the mirror” “Yep, sign me up!”

I think some of us should be surrounded by mirrors twenty four-seven until we stop deluding ourselves and start to get proactive.

I’m not a fan of mirrors in gyms for vanity reasons but they are valuable for: 1) Teaching correct exercise technique and 2) Keeping us grounded.

“Oh yes… (in a feeble, pathetic voice), but I find it so painful to look at myself in a mirror, it hurts so much.”

Really?

Well, wait for your first heart-attack; you might rethink your definition of pain. And wait until your pancreas is so shot that you have to medicate every day for the rest of your life to manage your self-induced diabetes… then we’ll chat.

A little short-term emotional discomfort now doesn’t remotely compare to the world of hurt you’re gonna endure if you don’t change your mindset, your habits and your lifestyle.

No melodrama, just honesty. It is what it is.

As I always say to my audiences “I can tell you what you wanna hear, or I can tell you the truth… you can get offended, defensive and precious… or you can get busy changing your reality.”

I actually tell people to go home, take all their clothes off and take a really good look at themselves in the mirror from all angles. Slowly. Preferably take photos as well. Why? Because it’s reality, that’s why.

It’s you. It’s not some computer-generated future fat version of you, it’s you right now. Deal with that, toughen up, get over the self-pity (it’s annoying and achieves nothing) and then you will start to see results quickly. Real change.

Our physical reality doesn’t usually align with psychological reality. In other words, it’s almost impossible for you to be objective about you.

Over the years I have taken thousands of ‘before’ photos of people (front, side and rear) before they start their weight-loss/fitness endeavour. Invariably they are stunned when they see the pictures.

Why are they so shocked? Because when it comes to their body, they live in some alternative reality; The Slim Zone. The one where they look forty pounds lighter.

Amazingly, people always ask me to refrain from showing the photos to anyone else because on some level they believe that somehow the photos are worse than the ‘in the flesh’ reality.

“See me standing here in my workout gear but don’t look at that photo we took five minutes ago (in the same clothes) ‘cause I’m so much slimmer in person.” “I don’t really look like that photo.”

Weird.

I know that I may sound harsh to some of you and I know my approach and philosophy won’t sit well with everyone, that’s okay. But twenty five years of going around in circles with people about the same issues and having the same conversations (often with the same people) will make you a little practical and matter-of-fact. Okay, blunt.

I care more about your heart, arteries, lungs and overall physical health than I do about telling you what you want to hear; what’s comfortable for you. I’m not really about popularity, I’m about change. Results.

I know I could write more reader-friendly, politically-correct content but I would be compromising what I believe and watering down an important message. So blunt Craig it is.

I’m not interested in fluffing someone’s emotional pillow or propping up their poor self-esteem for five minutes. I’m interested in their long term physical health. I’m interested in the truth of the situation.

I’m interested in genuine, forever (never going back) amazing, physical change. It’s very possible but we continue to rationalise, justify and find new and exciting ways to sabotage our own goals and perpetuate our misery. We consistently waste our potential. And we continue to let our mind get in the way of our body.

We choose to inhabit the mythical Slim Zone.

Yep, I care about people’s feelings and emotional state and yes, I factor them into every interaction with every person… in fact, I work on the premise that getting in shape is largely an emotional process. And Yes, I was a fat kid, so I get ‘it’.

However… I won’t be getting rid of the mirrors in my gym any time soon.

---