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I never liked the idea of playing hard to get. To me, the concept seems manipulative and false. Yet, the prevailing wisdom of our elders has always been: this is the only strategy effective in winning the hearts of the ones we desire!

As I navigated the joys and sorrows of my own personal life and observed the experiences of my clients and friends, I discovered that there is another explanation that might help us to understand why this strategy has proven so effective for so many.

Let’s think about what happens when a person plays hard to get. We can use Yenny and Rubin as an example. Rubin was given Yenny’s number by a mutual friend. He called her and a date was set. The evening went well: conversation flowed easily and both felt an immediate rapport. Yenny was eager to hear from Rubin but was advised not to call him. It was up to him to initiate the next date. The next date went famously, but again, Yenny waited for him to set the plans. When he did not call the very next day, she debated whether to call him, but held herself back.

So what is going on between the two? Yenny showed enthusiasm to be with Rubin, but she made sure that she kept a bit of a reserve. She did not initiate the phone calling (or emailing) nor was she the one to suggest getting together. She was not always available when he asked her out (especially when the request was at the last minute.) At the end of the day, she was friendly, but in no way did she convey to Rubin that she was overly focused on the relationship.

So, what does this accomplish, not only for Yenny, but for Rubin, as well? To answer that question effectively, we need to remind ourselves about basic human dynamics. All of us struggle with balancing our need to be independent and our need to be with others. For many people, there is a tremendous amout of discomfort about letting down one’s guard and letting another person into their space. They need to proceed at their own pace until they feel comfortable. The person who plays “hard to get” unwittingly is allowing the other person the room to go at his own pace, thereby taking charge of his comfort level, and feeling better in control of his conflicting emotions.

Sometimes, a person feels crowded and anxious when a date begins calling and emailing. The relationship is proceeding at a pace that feels uncomfortable. The solution for handling the discomfort is to back off, or flee. When given the chance to call the shots, he can take each step when he is ready. This gives him the room to stay in the relationship even if he is feeling a bit ill at ease.

Now, some of you will protest that it’s not fair!!! Why should the other person have all the control? Well, of course you are right that it is not fair that one person gets to make all the moves. However, as they say, life is not always fair. Sometimes we need to be smart enough to figure out how to make things happen in our lives. If we can figure out what we need to do from our end to ensure the growth and well-being of our relationships, then I don’t consider it game-playing. Rather, I consider it having the savvy to understand the emotional make-up of the other person, and knowing what is needed for the comfort level of both parties!